


Coarse Words

by DictionaryWrites



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 16:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2277039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DictionaryWrites/pseuds/DictionaryWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo tries a more unconventional method of stress relief. It does not end well. Written for The Hobbit and prompt 13 of the challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coarse Words

He is frustrated. Bilbo is so, _so_ frustrated, and no, no, he just can't be dealing with dwarves tonight. No. Nope. Definite _no_ , and also a no thank you, but especially a _negative._

The hobbit had been teased mercilessly all night – first, it had been an offhand comment from Kíli about the lack of his beard, curious, but then all of them had joined in, discussing how Bilbo looked, in their minds, like a _babe._

Oh, and then, and _then_ , Fíli had tripped him, and he'd fallen into Thorin Oakenshield's _disgruntled_ lap, and after Bilbo had been finished flushing red and babbling his polite apologies, he'd stormed off into the undergrowth.

Not far, you understand. Not _too_ far. Just far enough that as he lost his very carefully wound up temper, he did not do so at a dwarf.

Bilbo stamps his foot hard on the ground, and he points his finger at an imaginary fellow, and says, “ _No._ Just _stop_ it. I didn't want to come!” Because he didn't. Why did he? Gandalf had gotten him to, tricked him into wanting adventure and being excited about it, and it's a very _not-_ Hobbit thing to do, and now he's here, and he's too far, and he cannot go home. “And as I didn't want to come but still _did_ , for _you_ , might I just add, you truly ought show me some _respect!”_

Bilbo lets out a groan, and then he sits his backside firmly on a large stone, putting his head in his hands. He rather does not _wish_ to be a polite hobbit, because he is a _displaced_ hobbit.

He wants to be crude – not crude like the dwarves are, not crude as in dirty and tended towards wrestling, but-

“ _Bollocks._ ” Bilbo says, and it feels good – the word is terribly filthy on his tongue, but it is somewhat cathartic to use such language. And he _does_ need to calm down before he heads back to the campfire: cursing will calm him down, release the tension. “Shit. Shit. Fuck. Bollocks, twat, motherfucking-” Oh, that _is_ a naughty one.

“Motherfucking shit _fuck._ ” Bilbo realizes his breath has sped up just a little, but he no longer feels quite so terribly angry. “And _crap_.” He adds, as an afterthought.

He takes in a slow, delighted breath, and suddenly, he feels in a good mood. Yes, he feels _uplifted_. He can handle those dwarves, why, of course he can! He turns, and he pulls a fern back, ready to walk back to camp, and he stops short, staring with wide eyes.

Fíli and Kíli are crouching on the ground, and Ori is half-perched on their backs as all three of them stare up at Bilbo. Behind them, Dwalin stands up, and he crosses his arms across his chest, staring at Bilbo with a disgusted expression.

“Never heard such language in my life.” He grunts, and Bilbo turns a beet red colour as he looks between each of the four dwarves.

“No, no, you don't understand, I don't usually _use_ those words, I was just-” Dwalin tuts, shaking his head, and he begins to stride back to camp. Ori scurries after him, but Fíli and Kíli linger, both leaning in and looking at Bilbo _far_ more closely than he'd like.

“You are _disgusting._ ” Kíli says.

“Filthy.” Fíli agrees. “Can't believe we're associated with someone so foul-mouthed.”

“Can't believe it.” Kíli and Fíli share a look, and then grin at him. Both of them slam their hands _hard_ against Bilbo's back, the thump winding him.

“So much better than we expected!” They say together, and then they run back to camp (probably, Bilbo thinks, because Dwalin had just looked back for them).

He rubs at his sore back, giving a quiet sigh, and aches for home. Cathartic, maybe, but worth it? Perhaps not.


End file.
